We Want Answers! Baby Stewie 
The potty-mouthed, pint-size star of Family Guy—television’s favorite on-again, off-again, on-again
animated sitcom—spoon-feeds us his thoughts on family, sex, and the Olsen twins. Maxim, January 2005 Matt Christensen What’s it like having the brain of a sadistic tyrant and the libido
of a love-struck Italian man trapped in the body of a one-year-old?You forgot to mention the junk of a porn star.
What
pisses you off most about other plebian babies?“Basghetti.” What the hell is that? You think it’s
cute?
Basghetti? Well, we’ll see how cute it is when you’re a 45-year-old derelict, pushing your possessions
around in a shopping cart and trading sexual favors for malt liquor in a bus station lavatory, because you never took the
time to master the bloody language! It’s
spaghetti, you slack-jawed imbecile!
Spaghetti!What’s
your position on diapers: empowering or demeaning?Definitely empowering. Honestly, If you could relieve yourself
without having to leave the couch, wouldn’t you?
Any celebrities you wouldn’t mind showing your
crib?Jimmy Fallon. But only so I could force that self-absorbed punk’s face into my pillow, thereby testing
my hypothesis that adults can also succumb to SIDS.
Once you manage to get a beautiful baby back to your crib,
how do you like to set the mood?Well, they say there’s no greater aphrodisiac than one’s own natural
scent, so I usually set the mood by soiling myself.
Describe your perfect woman.Red hair, nasal
voice, six feet underground.
Finish off this sentence: “Mommy, I want…”…to
drown you in the toilet bowl.
Why do you hate Lois so much? Is it the spanking? An unfortunate lack of breast-feeding?Well,
you’ll have to trust me when I say no jury that’s tasted her turkey tetrazzini would ever convict me for killing
her. I kid, of course. It’s because she’s a total bitch.
What’s it like having a talking
dog as your only confidant?Honestly, sometimes it’s like talking to a wall. A very pedantic, condescending
wall that smells like gin and Mighty Dog.
If Baby Stewie were somehow elected to public office, what could
the American people expect?War, an enslaved lower class, a pillaged environment…pretty much what we’ve
got now.
Do you have any idea where Osama bin Laden is hiding?No idea. Although I hope he’s
dead. Mostly because I’m tired of seeing those crappy home movies he makes of him talking to Mr. Microphone in front
of that rock.
Any plans for a film career? If so, are there any particular actors or directors you’d
like to work with?I’d love to work with Naomi Watts. Did you see her nipples in
21 Grams? Like
traffic cones. Made me hungry for lunch.
As a budding young reader, do you have a favorite book?Machiavelli’s
The Prince, Sun Tzu’s
The Art of War, and Richard Scarry’s
Cars and Trucks and Things That
Go.
How about a favorite insane deposed dictator?Slobodan Milosevic. I just like the name:
Slobodan.
Describe each of your siblings in exactly five words without using the terms lummox
or slut.I want you to know I resent your insinuation that Chris is a slut.
Do you feel
that, as a father, Peter presents you with an appropriate male role model?Oh, absolutely—that is, if I’m
aspiring to become a fat dimwit who has an ass for a chin and eats anything he picks out of his ears with a pen cap.
With
the ever-changing, increasingly chaotic geopolitical climate we now face throughout the world, who do you see yourself aligning
with to finally achieve global domination?Dick Cheney. Now, there’s a frightening fellow. Look into his
eyes, man. He’ll eat your kidney for lunch and then wash it down with a Diet Dr Pepper. Not necessarily a leader, but
a fine henchman.
The Olsen twins certainly set a high precedent for television babies. How do you measure up?I
poop more, vomit less.
What can a person who pinches your cheeks expect in return?A torn scrotum.
Allegations
that you are already on your way to growing up to bat for the “other team” are rampant in the media. Care to comment?Thus
far I’m as straight as a Miller Lite commercial. Although I do enjoy unwinding at the end of a hectic day with a glass
of Chablis and a bit of
The Bachelor. Damn it, now you’ve got me confused.
OK, let’s get
really personal: Where were you when you found out that Santa Claus wasn’t real?Where were you when you
found out that your parents purchased you on the black market in exchange for a car battery and a carton of cigarettes?
You’ve
just discovered your best friend naked in bed with your wife; what do you do?Rupert sandwich!
Is
there one thing you most wish you could change about yourself?Gee, I don’t know…My head’s about
twice the size of my body and shaped like a football. Maybe that?
Is it true that you have a fetish for Tony
Danza?My friend, you publish that and you sign your own death warrant.
How’s the whole potty
training situation coming along?None of your beeswax, Ramona. Say, how’s your premature ejaculation coming?
Get out of my face!
So what’s the deal—can the family hear you or not?Here’s
the deal. They’re all complete dullards. Even if they did actually listen to me, they wouldn’t understand a word
I was saying, because I don’t speak Moron. Thank God for the Internet, though, where I can converse with other intelligent
beings via chat rooms under the guise of a 45-year-old political science professor. Or a 15-year-old cheerleader. That’s
a fun one, too.
If you were made editor-in-chief of Maxim for a day, who would you put on the cover?Lesley
Stahl. The brain on that one…Meow!
Do you have any special advice for couples out there who are planning
to conceive children?Yes. The ding-dong goes in the hoo-hoo. Repeat until stuff comes out.
| Quick Picks |
Bedtime Story
"Rupert tells a great one about when he and the Snuggles bear tag-teamed
a waitress in Vegas."
Celebrity Sighting
"Fabio once cut me off on Wilshire Bouleward. At first
I was pissed. But hey, it's Fabio."
Pickup Line
"I've got two surprises for you in my
diaper. One is soft and squishy, and the other is a doodie." |
